My heart is heavy today and for as much as I’d like to say I have no words, I fear I have too many. An autism mom tried to take her life and the life of her child. I’d like to say I don’t know how this happened or why it happened but this one cuts too close to home, far too close to home.
I am at a loss, simply and utterly at a loss. I don’t know how to feel really.
I know some of you know this, and I don’t really bring it up that often, but I was in a dark place once before. It seems like a lifetime ago and in many ways it seems like I was a different person. I was in a place so dark, so deep and so far away—looking back it seems like a lifetime ago and worlds away.
It was after the loss of our son.
Simply put, I wanted to die. I wanted it all to go away—all the pain, all the hurt, all the heartache. I wanted to feel nothing.
I wanted the edges to be dulled and the heartache to fade away. The easiest way to feel nothing was to slip away, to cease to exist, to put an end to my everything. To take the pain away from not only myself but those around me. Why should they be stuck with me? Why should they be stuck with my heartache and all my problems? I was a burden.
My leaving would solve everything. It would bring me peace and make everyone else happier. They would have peace after my passing.
I really thought that, honest to God.
And I thought that because, bluntly put, I was not right in the head. I was severely depressed and out of my ever-loving mind. But when I was there, when I was in that deep dark place, I thought I was sane. I thought every decision I made was lucid, clear and spot on.
Only I wasn’t sane. I wasn’t spot on and I wasn’t lucid. I was depressed.
And that’s the fundamental issue for me. When a person is so deep in depression, hurt and pain, there is no rational thought. What is irrational seems rational and bad decisions seem take hold and seem to solve problems.
I thought no one wanted to be bothered with what was going on so I wouldn’t talk about things. I put on the perfect front, a grand coverup and like a mask, I wore it all the time. To everyone else, I was this happy, well-rounded individual. Sure, I’d lost my son and I was grieving but I was getting through it. I was strong. I had other kids to live for, a wonderful house and an incredible husband.
I never told anyone my deep dark secret—that I wanted to go. I didn’t tell them because I thought I was doing them a favor. I thought they would be better off without me.
I’m telling you all this…honestly, I don’t know why I’m sharing this. I guess because when a person gets pushed so far, for so long, they don’t know what to do. Their world falls apart and the sanity slips. They put up deflectors and act the way you expect them to, all the while falling apart on the inside.
The body and mind react and the person you thought you were no longer is there. It’s gone, replaced by someone else who is in need of help but is no longer even aware of that. The lines between reality become blurred and out of focus. When you’re in that state, sanity becomes something fleeting, something you desperately try to hold on to but wind up falling short. Sometimes you wind up falling over the very cliff you’re so desperately holding on to.
And in that state you can’t make rational decisions. You think you can, but you can’t.
You can’t even ask for help because you don’t think you need it.
Do you see how this can go horribly wrong?
I know having children with additional needs puts additional stressors on our lives but I won’t put the blame there. I won’t. And I guess that’s where I’m falling short, I don’t know where to put the blame and I don’t even know if there is anyone to blame. And I think that’s what’s bothering me, I want someone, hell something, to blame.
We need to look at maybe why this happened before casting a stone, unless of course, you live in a glass house. It’s easy to judge, to jump to conclusions and to pass blame. I’m not saying what happened is OK, I won’t go there. I’ve lost the ability to focus on this one.
Everything about this is broken. The system is broken, our community is broken and a family will never be the same.
And I am at a loss. I’m spent and saddened beyond belief.
And with that, I have no more words.