And then, no words.

My heart is heavy today and for as much as I’d like to say I have no words, I fear I have too many.  An autism mom tried to take her life and the life of her child.  I’d like to say I don’t know how this happened or why it happened but this one cuts too close to home, far too close to home.

I am at a loss, simply and utterly at a loss.  I don’t know how to feel really.

I know some of you know this, and I don’t really bring it up that often, but I was in a dark place once before.  It seems like a lifetime ago and in many ways it seems like I was a different person.  I was in a place so dark, so deep and so far away—looking back it seems like a lifetime ago and worlds away.

It was after the loss of our son.

Simply put, I wanted to die.  I wanted it all to go away—all the pain, all the hurt, all the heartache.  I wanted to feel nothing.

Nothing.

I wanted the edges to be dulled and the heartache to fade away.  The easiest way to feel nothing was to slip away, to cease to exist, to put an end to my everything.  To take the pain away from not only myself but those around me.  Why should they be stuck with me?  Why should they be stuck with my heartache and all my problems?  I was a burden.

My leaving would solve everything.  It would bring me peace and make everyone else happier.  They would have peace after my passing.

I really thought that, honest to God.

And I thought that because, bluntly put, I was not right in the head.  I was severely depressed and out of my ever-loving mind.  But when I was there, when I was in that deep dark place, I thought I was sane.  I thought every decision I made was lucid, clear and spot on.

Only I wasn’t sane.  I wasn’t spot on and I wasn’t lucid.  I was depressed.

And that’s the fundamental issue for me.  When a person is so deep in depression, hurt and pain, there is no rational thought.  What is irrational seems rational and bad decisions seem take hold and seem to solve problems.

I thought no one wanted to be bothered with what was going on so I wouldn’t talk about things.  I put on the perfect front, a grand coverup and like a mask, I wore it all the time.  To everyone else, I was this happy, well-rounded individual.  Sure, I’d lost my son and I was grieving but I was getting through it.  I was strong.  I had other kids to live for, a wonderful house and an incredible husband.

I never told anyone my deep dark secret—that I wanted to go.  I didn’t tell them because I thought I was doing them a favor.  I thought they would be better off without me.

I’m telling you all this…honestly, I don’t know why I’m sharing this.  I guess because when a person gets pushed so far, for so long, they don’t know what to do.  Their world falls apart and the sanity slips.  They put up deflectors and act the way you expect them to, all the while falling apart on the inside.

The body and mind react and the person you thought you were no longer is there.  It’s gone, replaced by someone else who is in need of help but is no longer even aware of that.  The lines between reality become blurred and out of focus.  When you’re in that state, sanity becomes something fleeting, something you desperately try to hold on to but wind up falling short.  Sometimes you wind up falling over the very cliff you’re so desperately holding on to.

And in that state you can’t make rational decisions.  You think you can, but you can’t.

You can’t even ask for help because you don’t think you need it.

Do you see how this can go horribly wrong?

I know having children with additional needs puts additional stressors on our lives but  I won’t put the blame there.  I won’t.  And I guess that’s where I’m falling short, I don’t know where to put the blame and I don’t even know if there is anyone to blame.  And I think that’s what’s bothering me, I want someone, hell something, to blame.

We need to look at maybe why this happened before casting a stone, unless of course, you live in a glass house.  It’s easy to judge, to jump to conclusions and to pass blame.  I’m not saying what happened is OK, I won’t go there.  I’ve lost the ability to focus on this one.

Everything about this is broken.  The system is broken, our community is broken and a family will never be the same.

And I am at a loss.  I’m spent and saddened beyond belief.

And with that, I have no more words.

18 thoughts on “And then, no words.

  1. hugs!!!! I agree. I am angry at her, I won’t deny that. I won’t even make excuses for her, but I will say that yes, she must have been in a very bad place. And that is just as heartbreaking :/

  2. Pingback: Strong like Saints. Right?

  3. I’ve been there, too. After two and a half years of chronic pain, I wanted to not be a burden either. I thought everyone’s lives would get better without me.

    I too was depressed and not right in the head.

    And that’s why I fight to never get back there. I claw at the mountain of sanity to keep my grip. I can’t fall down there again. We all can’t. We need to help each other. This whole thing is a grim reminder of that.

  4. I’ve been there too. I even remember telling my husband that things would be easier without me around.
    And I fight like crazy to not be there again, and need my friends and family to keep it from happening. We need each other. I’m here for you.

  5. Wow, yeah, I’ve been there too. And I never, ever told anyone because I was ashamed and so confused. There was no real reason to feel that way, nothing horrible happening in my life. It was just depression, plain and simple. Thankfully, medicine has helped.

    This whole thing has me reeling. I feel so bad and angry and confused and I am heartbroken for Issy and her family. It’s just wrong, wrong, wrong.

  6. You are so correct. There are NO WORDS. And, yes so many things here are broken. Perhaps some may someday be repaired, some never will. But at this point all I can think to do is support a hurting family, try to deal with mean people thoughtfully and pray to whatever power might be listening that this family FINALLY gets some help, for all of them, given with love and as much understanding as can happen. Let the courts sort out the legal right and wrong.

  7. Right now, you are grieving for your friend. You know about the dark place, you know how easy it is to just slip out of the world, and you are sharing her pain without judgment, without condemnation. You put everything out there, and I admire you for that.

    I hope that the situation results in the family getting the help they need.

  8. Oh Lizbeth. I had no idea. Thank you for bravely sharing your story for it does give some insight.

    I agree with Tina. I hope the family…and others like them…. finally get the help they need.

    Hugs to you…

    ((xx)) Jazzy

  9. I completely understand, and understood the mother the reason I heard about this. I may not have had the “balls” to do it but I have thought about it. It’s so much daily strain then everyone constantly judging and criticizing and nobody helping out and nobody wanting to help because it is “your problem” after all. I get people asking me what I did to deserve a child like mine, what drugs did I use and so forth. We get tired of it! Some days as we all know are much harder than others, add in the reasoning of stupid people and problems at school where we as a mother have no control of and I completely understand. Before my son I had anxiety, I had already been on antidepressants and anti-anxiety medication. I was already “crazy” as my family calls it. I’m sitting here crying and laughing because it’s so absurd. I know exactly how this feels. My son is 6, he’s a big boy and I can no longer carry him because he hurt my back. He banged his head against my spine and I can no longer carry him when I need too. He banged his head against mine and busted my lip and also almost burst my cheek bone open. Who do you call for help? Who do we ask to come and “rescue” our sanity if only for a second. I KNOW nobody wants to experience and deal with this. If I do call someone they ask me to call social services. This is crazy, we need help. At least I do. I’m not new to this but it’s just getting harder and harder for me! Finally something has happened that has made us all open our eyes and realize that we all need to support each other. We need help. Maybe not daily but we all need help.

    Sorry about your loss, I too have experienced that and it’s something that is always with me :-( gasp…life goes on and so must we but that doesn’t make this load that much easier. Big hug!

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